In 1987, I wrote an article telling the story of four sisters who had been molested by their father. Each of them had been molested the same way. Each experienced this at the same age–he moved on from one to the next with maniacal precision. Of course, each of them had been emotionally damaged by the abuse.
I wrote the article for a psychological journal more to point out the differing outcomes of each one. Though they were all affected negatively by the abuse, they all compensated differently to it as adults. They each gave me permission to share their story since I had counseled every one through to health.
But I was intrigued by what they wouldn’t allow. Their father was still alive and still married to their mother. I had talked about the possibility of all four of them confronting him on what he had done. Though they could not have him charged because of a Statute of Limitations, they could have the satisfaction of letting him know how his crime had changed their lives. There is a healing aspect to confrontation.
But all four refused to do it. Curiously, each of them had a different reason:
One was afraid it would kill their sick mother
One felt she had somehow participated in the abuse and had no moral grounds to confront him.
One was sure confronting him would destroy her inside
The final one felt she would never be able to get the words out of her mouth.
Their unique responses to confrontation underscores how each victim experiences abuse and assault differently. But it also shows that every victim wrestles with different beliefs emerging out of the abusive situation. Continue reading “The Five Lies that Victims Believe”→
I won’t bother giving them fake names to protect their identities. I don’t have permission to share the details of their story and I’ve lost touch with them. But it really doesn’t matter; their story is universal these days. He worked too much and distanced himself from his wife over many years of being married. Every year, she grew more angry at him. She let that anger color her decisions and, as a result, she easily entered into another relationship. Her husband found out she was cheating on him and she freely admitted it.
I do know the details of that initial fight and I don’t really have to share them here. It wasn’t any more dramatic than the confrontations in a million other relationships. Both of them spent a sleepless night wondering if they should contact a divorce lawyer. They both cried. They spent that night in different places, both physically and emotionally. But for some very unusual reasons, their story did not turn out like millions of others.Though each of them did go for counseling at some point, they never went together for marriage counseling. And they never got a divorce. They eventually solved the problems in their marriage (for the most part) even though they both unveiled other secret sins.
Emily is 26 and has just gone through a horrible separation. Her husband was physically abusive, hooked on drugs and alcohol and verbally abused her in front of their daughter almost every day. It was the same way her father treated her mother, and the same way at least three boyfriends treated her in high school. She started to see me for Memory Processing because her current boyfriend started hitting her and calling her names.
Which brings me to this question: why is it that certain people go through the same treatment in life over and over again. There is no sense that they want this is there? In order to answer that, I have to go to one of the tenets of lie-based thinking. In LBT, a person doesn’t just believe something, but that belief also colors the way they act toward others. It affects how they will interact. It affects what they will put up with and what they won’t,.
But, and here is the crux of the matter for Emily, what we believe about ourselves is often what others come to believe about us as well. If we are firmly believing that all men will hurt us or take advantage of us, or lie to us, or all women will cheat on us, or hurt us etc., that is often what continues to happen in repeating patterns.
As Emily went through Memory Processing, she noticed the beliefs about men were consistently lived out, even with men she had only known casually. It never happened with any of the women in her life. Since getting rid of the lies, she doesn’t run into men that try those things on her any more. It brings up another axiom of life: Healthy people tend to attract healthy people, and unhealthy people attract unhealthy people.
Some of you are part of my prayer team for teaching, so this story will not be entirely new. But this week I am teaching at the Youth With a Mission Base in Lakeside Montana. My topic is “Hearing God’s Voice” and how that relates to prayer and Christian Living. One of the events of the week is a time when I do an evening teaching. It is often preceded by worship. In the past, this has often been a time where God shows up and brings a manifestation of His Presence on the students and the staff. At least, that has been the case most years I speak here.
Wednesday night was awesome. God’s Presence was a tangible reality and it seemed like His love and joy were becoming more intense every minute. Several students were feeling overwhelmed with God and crying, laughing, shaking and repenting all merged together. At one point, a young girl got up and stood on her chair. She said that the Lord had been expressing his love to her, but her heart didn’t believe it. Now, you need to remember that I wasn’t teaching on Theophostic or lie-based thinking at all. She declared in front of the entire class that she wasn’t coming down until her heart believed what her head did. I knew if I didn’t jump in, she was going to be up there for a long time.
However, before I could go over and help her with reaching to the point of her lie, she invited anyone else who felt the same way (lies that were getting in the way of the Truth) to bring their chair over and make a stand. Four other girls did the same thing. That made me turn around and go back to where I had been kneeling. After all, you can’t do TPM with five people at the same time, right?
I apparently don’t know the power of God or the effectiveness of what I believe. The Lord pushed me over to the group and had me do a 10-second explanation of what we were going to do. I asked them to focus on how the lie felt inside. Several of them became very emotional. I asked them all if they wanted to go to the source of the pain and the lie. They all agreed. We waited on the Lord as He showed them each memories where the pain emanated from. I then asked them if they felt this belief was true. They all did. Then I invited the Lord to come into each memory and speak to them. As I said this, it seemed like chaos began to reign. One girl fell off the chair. Another began to rejoice and the other three were crying uncontrollably. One by one, I asked them what the Lord showed them. It was completely the Voice of God for every one of them. By the end of the time, all of them had been set free from lies and reported peace in the memories. They all said they felt that their head and heart were in agreement.
All of this took about 20 minutes. God is so effective. It makes me believe that I probably don’t believe that God can do anything. But I am becoming a believer more every day.